Now, just the title alone will be a tough sell in this world of political correctness but….if you were to ask any guy, off the cuff so to speak (and away from his wife or girlfriend), he’d very likely agree if not give you further examples. And most women would probably concur…but only regarding those women with whom they’re on the outs.

I spend most of my waking days right now talking to a computer. I’m on a large Coast Guard ship off the East Coast of Newfoundland doing seabird surveys. Following a strict protocol, I record all the birds (and whales too) by talking into a microphone that is connected to a laptop right in front of me on the bridge, forty feet above the sea. I have a marvellous view and, when it’s not foggy (like it has been for the past 24 hours) I can see for miles. It’s a super-sized pelagic birding trip.

I record my sightings by talking into a microphone that relays everything to a database on a laptop. The voice recording system allows me to input data without losing concentration on the sea around me. It sounds easy. It should be easy. And it would be easy if this damned laptop would just listen and get it straight. But it only hears what it wants to hear! And does what it wants to do. Let me give you a real life example:
The ocean on the port (or left) side of the vessel is divided into 5 “strips”: A=the 1st 50 meters; B= 50-100; C= 100-200 m; D=200-300 m; and E=300+ meters. So, let’s say I see a Greater Shearwater sitting 150 meters out (in section C). I would say:
‘Greater Shearwater’/’one’/’water’ (as opposed to flying)/’in’ (i.e., inside the overall 300 m transect)/’C’
Easy right?

Then how come (and this has happened several times) the name “Greater Shearwater” has come out as “Minke Whale”!? C’mon!! I mean, Minke Whale sounds nothing…nothing… like Greater Shearwater. Continuing with the analogy….this is not a woman I met for the first time. I have a long and intimate relationship with this computer having talked to it for a month straight last November /December in this same ocean. Oh no, we know each other well. In fact, I actually “trained” this computer to recognize, if not hang on, my every word. I read paragraph after paragraph to her until she was happy with the sound of my voice. And it’s not like this is the only mishearing. “Dovekie” comes out as “Donkey” and is just another example of many. And often the computer doesn’t register anything at all and I get a computer pop-up message which is it’s equivalent of “Huh?” or just empty data boxes. So is it just not paying attention? Or what?

It’s only word recognition. As I speak I can see the words come up in a string in a little box (which I have taken to watching assiduously – sort of defeating the purpose of having the voice recorder which is supposed to free you up to keep watching the sea….). Many many times it shows my words exactly and the way they should be but…..it refuses to type them out. It just sits there while I wait…. and wait…until I have to key them in myself. This is wilfulness in its most blatant manifestation! Why?

But what REALLY gets my goat is that sometimes, out of the blue, for no discernible reason, it just closes out and then, with a smirk (I can just feel it!) asks if I want to send in an “Error Report”. Ha! No. What I want to do is throw you out the window.

It’s not like I haven’t been good to this laptop. I’ve gone to great pains to see that it gets the very best attention. When it didn’t have a cord hooking it into the ship’s navigation/GPS system, I went and found experts to get one and install it. I make sure the screen is clean and that I always shut it down correctly. So what is it? Boredom? Spite (for what?)? Teasing? Playfulness? Attention-seeking? Or? But just like a woman, I don’t think I’ll ever figure it out……

Now that I have that off my chest….This is my fifth day at sea. We started off going 450 miles straight out from Newfoundland, due east. And then another 300+ miles going NW. All along the way, scientists are taking water and plankton samples at various sites. I, as the “bird guy”, am just an add-on to a much larger oceanographic study. A pimple on an elephant’s posterior as it were. (Maybe that’s it….it’s ashamed of my lowly status and is letting me know….) We’ve had marvellous conditions: mostly sunny, little wind, calm seas. And wildlife, lots of it. Consider some of the highlights:
• 18 Long-tailed Jaegers around the boat at one time harassing Arctic Terns
• Regular sightings of Great Skuas
• Manx Shearwaters (as well as the “regular” Greater and Sooty Shearwaters in large numbers)
• Northern Fulmars (scads of them)
• Leach’s and Wilson’s Storm-petrels (scads)
• Northern Gannets
• Common Murres and Puffins
• Minke, Fin and Humpback Whales
• Atlantic White-sided Dolphins

We will be doing another day or so of sampling off the Newfoundland coast and then it’s north to the coast of Labrador….and ice bergs, evidently in large numbers this year.

Rick